Tag: Anxiety

  • Don’t Lose Your Head

    This passage about the beheading of John is always one of those where you wonder, why is this here? Why did Mark feel compelled to add in this story about John the Baptist’s death? This passage comes right after we are told that Jesus sent out the twelve disciples in groups of two, to spread the gospel and to cure the sick, which they apparently did with miraculous results. And immediately after this passage comes the story about Jesus feeding the five thousand with five loaves of bread and two fish. It seems like an odd place to put a story about a man losing his head.

    The main context of this particular story is that John the Baptist had vehemently opposed Herod Atnipas’ marriage to Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife. However, this marriage happened after a divorce between Philip and Herodias, so it seems a bit odd why John would condemn this marriage. We find out from the ancient historian Josephus, however, that Herodias “took upon her[self] to confound the laws of our country, and divorced herself from her husband while he was alive, and was married to Herod Antipas.” In the Mosaic Law, women had no path to divorce, and yet Herodias made it happen, by manipulating the laws so that she could get out of the marriage to her first husband. That means that she had broken the law for her own benefit, and caused Herod Antipas, of this gospel passage, to become an adulterer. 

    Herod was a puppet king of the Roman Empire, and yet still a Jew, and so John the Baptist was holding him to account for breaking the Jewish law of being married to another man’s wife. You can see why telling rich and powerful people that they are sinners might not be in your best interest if you’re a person who dresses in camel hair and eats locust and honey for dinner. They will likely despise you, and seek revenge for your insolence.

    This was, of course, the reason that John the Baptist was in jail. Herod didn’t like John spouting off that he was a sinner and an adulterer – especially not when he was the leader of the people, their king. Herodias held a grudge against John and wanted to kill him. But Herod, her new husband, wouldn’t kill John because he feared him, and knew that John was a righteous and holy man. And so, John sat in jail as drama played out between Herod and Herodias.

    Which leads us to this particular evening, when Herod was entertaining guests and dignitaries, both from the leadership of Galilee, and from the Roman Empire. His step-daughter, which we know from Josephus to be named Salome, dances for him and the guests. And this is where the story goes off the rails a bit. We are told that Herod was so pleased with Salome’s dancing that he offered her half his kingdom as a reward. 

    And the result of this was the death of John the Baptist.

    Drama! Intrigue! It’s a story that leaves us full of questions.

    But again, it begs the question, why is this passage here? What can we possibly learn from it? Just before this, the disciples have gone around casting out demons and healing people, and just after this passage, Jesus is seen feeding five thousand people with five loaves of bread and two fish. Why is this family drama in the middle of these stories of God’s sovereignty and power?

    One possibility is that we are to look at what motivated these people.

    A quick recounting of the family might help. Herod the Great was the father of  Herod in this story, Herod Antipas. Herod the Great had many sons, from many different women. Some of them were Herod the second (sometimes called Herod Philip), Herod Antipater, and Herod Antipas. Herod the second and Herod Antipater were brothers from the same mother, Mariamne. Herodias was married to Herod the second.

    It seems that Herodias’ brother in law, Antipater, had plotted to kill Herod the Great with poison, but failed, and Herod the Great had Antipater killed. But then, Herod the Great found out that his wife Mariamne, the mother of both Antipater and Herodias’ first husband had known about the plot to kill him and had done nothing to stop it. Because of this, Herod the Great divorced his wife and dropped Herodias’ husband from the line of succession. That is, her husband would no longer be king. But guess who was? Herod Antipas, the one in this story. And Herodias manipulated the laws of the land to divorce her now disgraced husband – while he was still living – so that she could marry the one successor of Herod the Great that would, in fact, become the king. 

    It’s a story of a woman who sought nothing but her own interests above all else, who manipulated situations so that she would always come out on top, and could live in a position of comfort, of wealth, and of power. That is to say, she wanted to please only herself, and she used lies, deception, and divisions to bring about her own desires. I’d say becoming a queen and living in comfort rather than in disgrace is a decent motivation for doing what she did. And also a reason why a straight-talker like John the Baptist would call out her marriage to Herod Antipas as illegitimate.

    The next person in this story is Salome, the daughter of Herodias, and the step-daughter of Herod Antipas. She dances for her stepfather and all the gathered people, and when Herod offers her a reward for her terrific dancing – up to half his kingdom – what does she do? She runs off to her mother to find out what she should ask for. What her mother tells her to ask for is of no benefit to Salome. Instead, it benefits her mother Herodias’ desire for revenge. But what’s interesting here is that his girl does as her mother asks. She wants so badly to please her mother, that rather than taking advantage of something to benefit her own desires, she does what her mother wants her to do – even though it means a man in jail will die. She wanted approval from her mother so badly that she was willing to get it even through the death of another human being. 

    And then there is Herod himself. He got so caught up in his stepdaughter’s dancing that he made an impulsive and foolhardy promise to give her up to half of his kingdom. He wanted to show his approval for her, in order to gain her approval. And then, he finds out what she wants. And the Gospel tells us that “out of regard for his oaths and for the guests, he did not want to refuse her. Which is just a nice way of saying that he didn’t want to lose the respect of those that were gathered there. He wanted to look like someone who keeps his promises; he wanted to look like a strong leader of the people. And so he sent his guards to kill John, even though he was conflicted at the thought of killing John. Herod killed John because he didn’t want to look bad in the eyes of other people; that is, he cared more about his reputation than his ethics and his own character.

    On one side of this story, we see the disciples, through the power of Jesus, healing people, curing the sick and casting out demons. They were sent out by Jesus, and did the work he asked them to do, and many people were healed. There was joy and rejoicing, not only by the people cured, but by the disciples themselves. On the other side of this passage, we see Jesus feeding five thousand people, showing his majesty through miraculous works, made possible by a young boy sacrificing his food: five loaves and two fishes. And people were amazed at the power of God, power that came from sacrifice and compassion.

    … And in the middle of these stories of power and sacrifice are the stories of three lives fueled by self-absorption, by narcissism, by a lust for power and revenge…

    It’s almost as if Mark wants to point out that when we place anything ahead of God that there will be death. It may not be physical death, like with John the Baptist, but it will be death of some sort. The more we place our own priorities over those of God, the more likely we are to experience the death of our conscience, the death of our ethics, and the destruction of our moral compass. It won’t happen immediately, but slowly, over time, we will erode the desire to please God.

    As we slowly try to please those around us for the sake of our reputation, or please parents, friends, or significant others for the sake of approval, or seek our own pleasure for the sake of comfort and power, what happens is that our morality becomes distorted, and God becomes an afterthought, a fancy we ascribe to when it suits us, rather than the light that guides us.

    What I find interesting about this family drama is that for each of them, we can find a similar transgression among those who followed Jesus.

    Think of Paul, who sought power through the destruction of the early followers of Jesus. He was among the leaders of the people, and he wanted to please those in power. And in doing so, he persecuted those who followed Christ, killing them. And then God got ahold of him on the road to Damascus, and he became an apostle of Jesus, and wrote the majority of the New Testament by way of letters to congregations he either founded, or taught.

    Think of Peter, who, in the courtyard of the High Priest, just before the crucifixion, was recognized as belonging to Jesus’ disciples, and three times he stated that he did not know this Jesus and that he was not one of them. He denied Jesus because he feared what others might think of him, he feared for his reputation, and he feared their anger and violence. And yet, in the end, Jesus restores him and says to Peter, that “on this rock, I will build my church.”

    Think of James and John, who in Mark’s gospel asked if they could sit, one on Jesus’ right hand, and the other on Jesus’ left hand. In Matthew’s Gospel, it is their mother who asks Jesus that question. Either way, it seems that James and John were simultaneously seeking power, and seeking approval from their mother, rather than seeking to be humble followers. Jesus forgives them both, and James became an early leader of the Church in Jerusalem before he was martyred, and John wrote the Apocalypse. 

    We might see ourselves in the lives of these apostles. And sometimes we might see ourselves in the faces and stories of Herod, Herodias, and Salome. It’s human nature that we will seek our own desires above our desire for God. And when we do, and when we fail to allow correction in our lives, then things begin to slowly die and crumble. It may take time, but the end result of placing anything in a position higher than God in our lives will eventually bring about death. 

    But as we see with the disciples, that is never the end of the story. As our second reading says today, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace that he lavished on us.”

    Later in his life, Herod was accused of plotting to kill the emperor, and he and Herodias and Salome were all exiled. History loses them there, and we have no idea when, or how, they died. This great king, his wife, and their daughter, all of whom prioritized their own lives over everyone and everything, died in complete anonymity. 

    The disciples, however, despite their deep failures, turned to Christ for restoration and reconciliation, and once again lived in the power and the miraculous joy that came with doing what Christ commanded. And more than 2000 years later, we still look to them as examples. 

    All because they prioritized God’s will over their own.

    Let us do the same.

    [This sermon was delivered at St. Alban’s Episcopal Church in Wickenburg, AZ on July 14, 2024.]

  • Seeing the Unseen

    A friend of mine turned me on to Lectio 365 and one particular week, they were working through the Questions of Jesus. On the Thursday of that week, I think, the question was all about Jesus asking his disciples: “Do you Trust Me?” The meditation ended with the call to action to ask what question God might have of us.

    So I did just that.

    And what should happen but God asked me the very same question: “Do you trust me?”

    Immediately, I knew exactly what that question was about, and what exactly I was supposed to trust God with. And, more to the point, I immediately knew my answer:

    “Yes. I do trust you. Just not as much as I want to. … Don’t you see what’s happening?”

    Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

    Hebrews 11:1
    Foggy Morning at St. Mary’s Episcopal Convent

    This past Easter Weekend, Holy Saturday to be exact, I was sitting on my patio at the convent where I was staying. The sisters had graciously agreed to let me stay there for a longer period, after an abrupt need to move out of my housing situation. I had been there a little over a week at that point, and on that foggy Saturday morning, drinking a cup of coffee, I was reflecting on how peaceful life had been that past week, and how relaxed I felt.

    And at that very moment, God said, “Now that you’ve had a chance to collect your thoughts, and remove all your distractions, I have some things I need to show you.” 

    Some things. What an understatement. From that Saturday morning, until Monday afternoon, I wrote a full 45 pages of college lined note paper. And it continued after that, though not with the same intensity, for another month. During that time, I told a few of my friends that I saw a transformation happening; or rather, that God had a transformation in store for me, and that I could vaguely see the end result, but that it frightened me, because I knew that who I would be was radically different from who I was.

    And those changes came, step by step. Graciously, with a few weeks, or even a month of reprieve in between them, until we came to this question of trust.

    Until this question where I had to say, “I do trust you, but not as much as I want.” When what I really meant was: “I trust you, as long as you let me stay in the boat. Those waves look frightening.”


    Several years ago, in the process toward ordination, I had a set back, which left me shocked and confused. The next day I sat on the patio of the church, and spoke to God, asking, “I thought you wanted me to do this?” By which I meant ordination. God replied, “I did want you to do this. And I do want you to do this.” To which I had to reply, “Were you not paying attention? Did you not see what just happened?” And a smiling God replied, “Trust me. You will do this. Just not right now.”

    Hope. Hope of things to come, but as yet unseen. 

    So many years later, the path is coming to completion. But not without being tossed around by the waves of doubt and uncertainty in the process. My friends could tell you stories about my ranting and raving, my confusion and doubts, my questioning, and ultimately my repeated return to the promise. Until I learned to walk in it, unwavering, seeing only the hope, and not the waves.


    I am gifted with a great imagination, and an analytical mind, and getting out of the boat, like Peter, to walk on the water toward a promise God has given me, makes me realize just how big those waves of doubt and uncertainty can be. Like a heads up display, I see every possible scenario, both good and bad, with its probability firmly floating above the wave, either granting hope, or threatening impending doom. 

    Just like Peter, I focus on the waves and their clear probabilities so proudly displayed above them to indicate how much credence I should give them. I see the unseen, the imagined, and grant them more confidence than they deserve.

    Until I find a thin sliver of a thread that glistens with divine mercy in the spraying mist of this emotional ocean. And when I focus on the thread, I follow it through the waves until I see a smiling God standing at the other end, reminding me: “This is my promise.” And suddenly the waves of unreal, probable scenarios are gone, and the sea is calm; I see only the promise, not the imagined tidal waves of destruction.

    And this lasts sometimes a day, sometimes three, sometimes a week. Until I focus on the probability waves again, and lose sight of the unseen promise represented in that glowing thread of hope that leads directly to the sacred heart of Jesus.

    Though it feels like it, this cyclical, emotional buffeting on the unseen waves of doubt and uncertainty is not insanity.

    It is merely the process of developing my water walking legs.

    Different seas require different legs. And no sea, no area of my life, will be entirely without the waves of doubt and uncertainty, but the more often I am willing to get out of that boat to walk on the water toward the open arms of God, the easier it will be to keep my balance and my direction when next I am confronted with ambiguity and unbelief.

  • The Way Home

    One of the phrases that’s popped up in conversation for me over the last several years is people referring to themselves as “spiritual, but not religious.” This phrase has always caused me to scratch my chin and ask, “What do you mean by that?” 

    The reason for my confusion is that by our very nature as humans, we are spiritual beings. Every person has an inherent spirituality. Spirituality is merely our attempts at making sense of the nonsensical, or of taking the mystery out of the mystical; it is our attempt at bringing order to the chaos that is our existence. Sometimes we take the random things that happen in our lives and we ascribe meaning to them, and other times we assign meaning to the coincidences and near misses in our lives. It’s been going on for centuries. Look at the goddess Fortuna, or the Fates, or the Norse god Freyr. Making sense of the nonsensical is what we do as humans.

    So, to me, for someone to say that they are “spiritual, but not religious,” means that they are saying something to the effect of “I’m a human being.” 

    Of course, I’m being deliberately obtuse with my own question, because what people generally want to convey with that statement is that they simply do not subscribe to any form of organized religion, and prefer to find their own method of making sense of the world; that they do not find any meaning in the structures others have created, but prefer to create their own order within the chaos.

    John O’Donohue says that spirituality is “the art of homecoming,” by which he means that we are all trying to find a place within our own lives where we find peace, comfort, and serenity, if even for a moment. A place where we are comfortable to be ourselves; a place where we are not pushed around by the hurts, the mistrust, the urgent requirements, the oughts, and shoulds, our past regrets, or future worries. Spirituality is a way of finding in us the beauty that is ourselves. When we enter into that place, then we have come home, and from that place of peace we are able to gather the energy needed to find the love, the patience, and the joy to make positive changes in our lives. This has nothing to do with religion, though O’Donohue himself was a practicing Christian, and former Catholic priest.

    Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk and teacher, says something very similar. The task of meditation and mindfulness is to bring us to the present moment, where all of our past regrets, future worries, the mistrust, the hurt, the anger is put aside; it is, in a sense, coming home to the body, to ourselves. Then, when we have attained that moment of presence within ourselves, we can bring those things to mind that need further examination, and can deal with them out of a sense of tranquility, so that when we leave that space within ourselves and enter into the world outside, we can engage with others with more peace, with more confidence, and with more tranquility. Though he was a practicing Buddhist, this too had not much to do with organized religion, and focused more on finding that space within that gave us the energy to confront the space without.

    And this, of course, is what most people wish to convey with the phrase, “Spiritual but not religious.” They hope to convey that they have found that space within themselves that affords them this sense of peace and tranquility.

    I had a conversation with someone this past year, in which the person told me that they are in a state of constant anxiety. They blamed their upbringing, they blamed their parents, their job, their relationships. They even blamed people like me – religious types who have “gone all in” for our religion, flawed though that religion might be in their judgment. When I said that I had found a measure of peace and tranquility in my religion, and that they should give it a shot, I was told that they had already tried my religion, and that it didn’t work. 

    In fact, this person had tried almost every major religion; they had tried various retreats and philosophies; they had tried meditation practices, treatments based on the latest scientific studies, and even therapy. Nothing had worked. To which I mentioned that in my time of knowing them, I had seen them dabble in many things, but never pick one and follow through with commitment and determination. I said that each religion and philosophical practice (including therapy), offers at least the hope of enlightenment, and so they ought to pick one, follow it with determination and commitment until they reach the end, and see if enlightenment is waiting for them there.

    Then came an odd sort of confession. Apparently, they had been told the same thing by a monk at a retreat center almost thirty years ago. And, they claimed, they had done just that in the years since. My response was brief: if I’m saying the same thing to you now, thirty years later, then it’s obvious that you have not followed a path to its conclusion; instead, you’ve continued in your path of dabbling.  

    We dabble in what can bring healing and wholeness, by choosing only what feels good, avoiding those things that don’t feel good, and spending time in this space until we determine that the promise of a more complete wholeness has not materialized – generally when that promise of wholeness involves dealing with things we find unpleasant. We dabble in spiritual niceties, and avoid stepping over the threshold of the difficult and painful. 

    In an interview with Krista Tippett, John O’Donohue speaks very deliberately about thresholds in our lives, places where we begin to look at ourselves more critically, where we begin to understand ourselves more deeply, and where we enter into the beauty of wholeness. But it takes a willingness to allow ourselves to be “threshed,” to be separated from our past patterns and behaviors in such a way that a new wholeness and beauty emerges from the depths of our being. In other words, it is not an easy choice, and it needs to be a deliberate one.

    And this is where those who practice Christianity can be dabblers as well. We can be so focused on living up to the standards that those in our communities have set, that we focus on the “looking good,” rather than on the “becoming.” Because “becoming” involves “threshing” and becoming involves pain and suffering; becoming involves looking into the void, the depth of our regrets and the lengths of our errors, and finding meaning where there appears to be none. We dabble when we try to live up to the things our religion seems to demand but avoid the prompting of the Holy Spirit to transform our lives.

    There are those who are religious and not spiritual, just like there are those who are spiritual but not religious.

    And there are those, both practitioners of a particular religion, as well as those who are spiritual but not religious, that examine their lives, sit with these painful, embarrassing, or unhappy memories, and allow those moments to sprout forth new meaning and joy.

    Our tendency as humans is to avoid suffering, and that means that we even avoid thinking about painful things, about embarrassing things, about things that cause inner turmoil. But our nature as humans is also to make errors, to say things that are hurtful to others, to do things that are not beneficial to ourselves, and, in general, to just foul up good things.

    We should not cover up the pain. We take care of it. To ignore or suppress the pain would be doing violence to ourselves. Mindfulness is us, but the painful feeling is also us. There’s no fighting. This is the view of nonduality.

    When we avoid going home to ourselves, we allow our pain to grow.

    Thich Nhat Hanh1

    To truly find peace, we must accept that we are flawed, we must consider ourselves as “whole” and acceptable, just as we are, warts and all; we are not merely good, or just plain bad; we are a muddy whole. And when we have accepted that we are not the super heroes we make ourselves out to be, then we must allow those painful memories, those regrets and failures to “thresh” us, we must allow them to enter into our minds and into our lives where we can examine them, and allow them to till the soil of our being so that they produce that promised wholeness. 

    When we do, that is when our lives begin to double, and failure and defeat produce peace and joy, rather than pain and anxiety.

    1. Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child, Thich Nhat Hanh, p. 148 (Kindle Edition), Parallax Press, 2006 (The link to this book is an Amazon Associates link. I receive a few pennies from Amazon if you purchase this book.)
  • Rest(ive)

    The other night, I enjoyed the beautiful sunset and the cooler weather by making a fire in the fire pit. As I sat there, I recognized suddenly that I was restless. My mind was occupied with far too many things; I simply could not distance myself enough from my thoughts in order to relax. The scenery was beautiful, the fire seductive. But still, my mind simply would not allow me to rest.

    It was this recognition that reminded me of the famous and often quoted phrase by St. Augustine:

    Evenings at the fire pit.

    “You have made us for yourself, oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.”

    Strange that.
    I was restless.

    This quote by Augustine describes the state of our hearts until we find God, and come to believe – directed by our joy of praising the Divine. It is intended to show the peace that comes from knowing, and following God.

    But I have already found God. So why all this restlessness?

    Of course, this isn’t exactly the right question to ask.

    God has told us that there will be trouble in this life (John 16:33). But also, he told of the coming troubles we would experience in order that we could have peace. This peace is the same as the rest that Augustine speaks about. It is a confidence in the work that God is doing which allows us to rest in the knowledge that God’s plans will unfold despite what we may see happening around us in the world.

    All of what is happening is moving toward the final end, toward the final reconciliation of all of humanity with God. Anything that happens along the way is merely a speed bump on the way to that majestic and apocalyptic conclusion. God is still in control, and our troubling experiences are intended to draw us closer to God.

    Only it just doesn’t always feel that way. Because our troubles may make us think that our own little world is reaching its end, or our troubles may feel like the end of the world is near. That’s why the restlessness.

    So the better question to ask is “Why am I not resting in God?” And the connected question, “What am I trying to hold on to, and not hand over to God?” It is the answer to these questions that allow us to hand off our troubles to God and to rest in the assurance that God’s plans are unfolding with a purpose of moving us closer to God, and our lives closer to the final end.

    Again, easier said than done.

    But, our restlessness is an opportunity for us to once again “find our rest in God.” Each moment of restlessness, of trouble, of testing, allows us to push through the difficult questions until we see a brand new face of God. It allows us to experience a new facet of God that we have not experienced before. It allows God to become bigger, fuller, and more inclusive of all our fears, troubles, and peccadilloes. 

    The Apostle Paul tells us that once the veil is lifted from our eyes after we have turned to God, and that then we will be transformed from Glory to Glory. 

    17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit.

    (2 Cor. 3:17-18)

    Then the transformation begins. Slowly, and often painfully. And most definitely, restlessly.

    While I didn’t come to find any rest by the fire that night, the slow realization of what I had been holding on to, what had been keeping me from resting in God, solidified a few days later. And then, having drawn near to the spirit of God, I found freedom.

    And Rest.